Toye Mary Writes


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22/Sep/2019

During this kind of process, waiting becomes the norm. You are either waiting on a call from your gp, or consultant from the hospital, for results, unexpected blood tests you need to run in for, appointment letters, it could literally be anything.

So What Was Next For Me?

I was not expecting to be told that the images from the test results were unclear. As a result of this, they could not make a definite diagnosis as the characteristics of the lump could not be identified. I thought this could either be good or bad. It is either this benign phyllodes tumour (which is what they suspected this lump was in my case.) and I sure did hope so too, or it was something more than that.

I was however relieved to learn that they decided surgery was the next step of treatment. Relieved because it meant this lump would soon become a thing of the past, but also highly nervous because I had never been for a surgery since I was about 5 years old I think, and of course I cannot remember a thing about the process.

Then there was the wait for pre-operational assessment dates. At this point, it suddenly felt as though things were beginning to happen at a faster pace. This was a good thing. There were times when I felt unsure about going for the operation, but deep down I questioned how else they’d remove the lump completely, ready or not, this was about to really happen. I had numb days, days where I fell into deep thought about what was actually going on inside my body, obviously I had no clue, which was quite scary, not sure if I’ve mentioned before that you do tend to think the worst.. Now you’re probably thinking “you’re a Christian, how can you think like that? Pick up your bible.”

LOOL.. Don’t judge me fam!!

Picking up your bible is what you do regularly, in preparation for the trials and tests life will bring your way, so when they do come, you use the knowledge of that word to encourage yourself until you come out.

Sigh… Whether the malignant was active or inactive, I could not change this reality in any way, especially not physically. I remember, on many occasions looking up to the sky pushing the clouds back with my eyes in search of God’s face. I wasn’t sure if He was with me, and I knew I needed Him. There was nothing I could do, even in my wildest dreams to change my current predicament.

The Day Of The Operation..

09/06/16. The day was finally here, day off work was booked, I needed to be in the hospital by 10:30am and admitted onto the ward, fasting and ready to get checked by the surgeons and doctors one final time. My mum was with me every step of the way.. God too.

TM xXx