Toye Mary Writes


During this kind of process, waiting becomes the norm. You are either waiting on a call from your gp, or consultant from the hospital, for results, unexpected blood tests you need to run in for, appointment letters, it could literally be anything.

So What Was Next For Me?

I was not expecting to be told that the images from the test results were unclear. As a result of this, they could not make a definite diagnosis as the characteristics of the lump could not be identified. I thought this could either be good or bad. It is either this benign phyllodes tumour (which is what they suspected this lump was in my case.) and I sure did hope so too, or it was something more than that.

I was however relieved to learn that they decided surgery was the next step of treatment. Relieved because it meant this lump would soon become a thing of the past, but also highly nervous because I had never been for a surgery since I was about 5 years old I think, and of course I cannot remember a thing about the process.

Then there was the wait for pre-operational assessment dates. At this point, it suddenly felt as though things were beginning to happen at a faster pace. This was a good thing. There were times when I felt unsure about going for the operation, but deep down I questioned how else they’d remove the lump completely, ready or not, this was about to really happen. I had numb days, days where I fell into deep thought about what was actually going on inside my body, obviously I had no clue, which was quite scary, not sure if I’ve mentioned before that you do tend to think the worst.. Now you’re probably thinking “you’re a Christian, how can you think like that? Pick up your bible.”

LOOL.. Don’t judge me fam!!

Picking up your bible is what you do regularly, in preparation for the trials and tests life will bring your way, so when they do come, you use the knowledge of that word to encourage yourself until you come out.

Sigh… Whether the malignant was active or inactive, I could not change this reality in any way, especially not physically. I remember, on many occasions looking up to the sky pushing the clouds back with my eyes in search of God’s face. I wasn’t sure if He was with me, and I knew I needed Him. There was nothing I could do, even in my wildest dreams to change my current predicament.

The Day Of The Operation..

09/06/16. The day was finally here, day off work was booked, I needed to be in the hospital by 10:30am and admitted onto the ward, fasting and ready to get checked by the surgeons and doctors one final time. My mum was with me every step of the way.. God too.

TM xXx



I’m not about to preach, but what I will do is share openly and honestly, what has been a matter of concern and quite heavy on my heart…

“Have you ever embarked on a journey, then sat back and asked yourself, “WHY on earth did I begin?”


IN that very moment, go straight back to the drawing board and remind yourself of the exact reason WHY you decided to take the leap of faith. The leap of faith to start that business idea you have been working on, the YouTube or vlog channel you’ve just set up, a music album you desire to start/complete or even are currently working on, that fitness plan you have drawn up, or it so happens that you are someone like myself, who has recently embarked on the journey of becoming a blogger/writer.




“I will press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of GOD in Jesus Christ.” (KJV)

“So I run toward the goal in order to win the prize, which is God’s call through Christ Jesus, to the life above. (GNT)


NOTE: “…in Jesus Christ.” (KJV) “…through Christ Jesus…” Not in OR through any man.




In the process of pressing on and living out your calling you’ll encounter bumps and potholes, you may even make mistakes or a wrong turn here and there, step on some toes (whether deliberately or not), you’ll be misunderstood, you’ll get discouraged and FEEL the NEED to give up; DON’T DO IT!




No one was with you when you received the inspiration, leading, conviction or even the call to begin that new project and run with that vision. Neither did they give you the vision. Oh and even if they were, God gave YOU the burden, called and inspired you for a reason, A PURPOSE. Selah.


As you journey to fulfilment by answering this call, you will find that you will need help. I attended a business/entrepreneurial seminar a few weeks ago and each panellist made very valuable points, but collectively, and at different points of the seminar, what they mentioned next stuck with me. They said, and I paraphrase;

For you to fill in your ‘not so good’ gaps, make a list of those things, search for, and then partner with someone who can do what you cannot do. #Word


Truth is, according to my blogging schedule (for lack of a better word LOL); I really should have released this post three weeks ago. I know right, you’re thinking “ah after 2 posts you want be falling behind already.” I’m even smiling as I type this because in hindsight I’m wondering to myself why on earth I have allowed myself to become a victim of the 101 opinions men may have had of how I should be telling my story.







  1. Two are better than one,

Because they have a good return for their labour:

  1. If either of them falls down,

One can help the other up.

But pity anyone who falls

and has no one to help them up.


Don’t neglect the help of others, look around you and ask yourself, “If I fall this very minute, who will pick me up?”


On the strength of that scripture, I can boldly thank God for the special and amazing people in my life, family, those who have become more than friends and friends who I can call family, they are able to tell me the truth IN LOVE (major key), pull me back up to stand firmly on my two feet.


Can your friends say the same about you?

Quote: “They will see the fruit of your graft but they will not see the efforts”. – TC

TM xXx


Lets get straight into it shall we?

Right, so I had been waiting on a call or letter of confirmation regarding the scan appointment.


As you would know (refer to previous post), I was not living at home at this point in time, so my letter had been sent to my mum’s and of course I wasn’t in the know. I do thank God that both her and my sister did not check for any of my post.

Life began getting really busy, and it was only about to get busier, with work and our annual church conference ‘Winds Of Change’ which was fast approaching.
This was the PERFECT event to keep me distracted and occupied, it would take my mind off all the negative thoughts and ideas of what this lump represented.


NOW, to all my fighters out there, male/female, young and old. You will agree with me that in that moment, it did not matter how small or big the sign or change that might have taken place in your body was. Whether you were diagnosed or not. You got knocked back, that unexplainable, numb kind of feeling.

**Here Is A Reminder That YOU ARE NOT ALONE In This.**

I saw my Consultant and GP briefly this week. My GP said something that stuck with me, “some people give up fighting before the battle begins”.

Well, there is so much truth in this statement, and it took a second for it to sink in, but please believe I struggled. Just knowing this lump was present and waking up daily hoping it was gone. It really could have been nothing, but as a young woman, I grew up hearing different stories about women finding a lump in their breast and it being one of the major signs of breast cancer. So for myself, and any other woman who may have or is experiencing this right now, you immediately begin to think the worst.
Sometime towards the beginning of the month of March, after avoiding coming home and speaking to my mum or sister about it (my brother didn’t live at home), and not hearing from the hospital regarding my appointments, I finally decided to come home and check the post myself.



I opened the letter to find out that I had missed my appointment by about a few days, I can’t really remember. All I knew was I had missed an important appointment, and even though I had avoided checking the post for a few weeks, I assumed it would have been courteous of them to call or send a reminder text.

All hope wasn’t lost, I just needed to call them up first thing in the morning to book another appointment.


NOW I’ll be honest, I cannot remember when I told my mum, but IF my memory serves me well, I believe it must have this particular night. Surprisingly she was calmer than I expected, although shocked too, I think I had to even repeat myself, then I could see a hint of worry, mixed with disbelief painted all over her face. She shook it off though, and then said a prayer in my mother tongue; “A o ni r’ogun cancer ni oruko Jesu”. TRANSLATION: “We will not see any cancer like problem in Jesus’ name”. The people will say, AMEN!

TM x


I recognise that I can only do this because I am still here…They say it all the time, and you have heard it, repeatedly… “Tomorrow is never promised”.

This, I have found to be so true over the years, especially when I began losing the people who were dearest to me.

My friend Victor Feyisola Omogbehin (20/04/88 – 09/08/10). It happened so suddenly that it has taken me forever and a day to come to terms with him leaving. Not just me, it took his family and other friends a long time to deal with it.

Then there was my dearest brother, Oluwakunlemi ‘Gospelz’ Teniola (31/08/90 – 12/07/11 ). He went on a mission trip in Brazil and did not come back home alive. This too was another tragic loss, a shock to Mummy Teniola, ‘My footballer’ Alex, Tide my (not so) lil baby sis. To everyone who knew him it was so sudden, and the impact of his loss even reached people who didn’t know him personally.

Writing this is harder than I thought it would be, but I am now able to do this without shedding a tear, it needs to be done. So yes, back to “tomorrow is never promised”.

It really isn’t, and I honestly made the mistake of thinking it was. Until it crept up on me like a thief in the night, that thing called Cancer came for me.


February 3rd 2016,

23 years since my dad had left. On this fateful morning, I am up and getting ready for work in my aunts newly built apartment in Canary Wharf. Whilst in the bath, my hand brushes past my left breast, and I’m forced to double check what I felt. A lump. I laughed and thought “nah I didn’t just feel that”. So, I check my right breast, nothing, back to the left one and I’m reasoning with myself so sure that this wasn’t there before.


Was I checking myself hoping to find this lump? Most definitely not. However, ever since I lost my favourite aunt after battling breast cancer and sickle cell, even though I dreaded the idea of it, I learned that it is necessary to ALWAYS check your body and look out for possible changes. Male, female, brother, sister, friend, stranger, aunty, uncle… ALLA DEM! LOL! Basically, everyone who may ever set eyes on this post, I plead with you, CHECK YOURSELF.

It was definitely there, and I definitely did not want to accept that it was. That was the next road I needed to cross.



The next two weeks, I’m living life as though it’s not physically there…like I’m watching a timeline pass by me, yet each time I remember to check for ‘IT’. At work. At church. Then there were the moments where I’d try to talk myself out of it, and remind myself; “I don’t have cancer”. I mean, it couldn’t be…right?

I was in denial for sure, if you looked into Webster’s dictionary and saw denial you would have seen my face wearing a shocked/ confused expression but in my nicest outfit and in my face beat to the max! Makeup became my veil, my covering, my mask. As far as my colleagues at work thought…everyday was date night! I kept getting these;

“Ooh Toye, you look so nice! Love the make up and your outfit”, or the “Got another date have we *wink wink*”

But back to reality. I’m so thankful for finding it when I did. I knew, whatever it was, it wouldn’t remain there for much longer; I had God on my side.

At this point I was living at my aunts temporarily. So it was easy to keep it from my mum for a few weeks, besides I didn’t want to tell her straight away anyway. I knew the time would come where id have to inform her of the interesting news.

Why wouldn’t you want to tell your mum you ask? LooL!!



I wasn’t quite sure I could predict what her reaction would be. We had lost Aunty Ronke fighting this battle. Aunty Ronke was mum’s younger sister and they were closer than close, when she left, mum really felt it.

Aunty Ronke was her confidant in any situation, whenever my mum called for help, aunty Ronke would come running, it didn’t matter what she was doing, after her husband and children, my mum was her priority. I miss her.


I really wasn’t sure of what exactly was going on. At this point in time I didn’t have a clue what was going on, I was just in autopilot. I needed to process this. I just needed some peace and quiet. The last thing I needed was the whole world knowing constantly asking if I was ok, I didn’t want to be a charity case, I didn’t want 100 calls and messages lighting up my phone on a daily reminding me of what I had to deal with; I dunno… I thought it would help me somehow.


I wanted to be ready to tell them all on my terms; that meant telling mum, my brother and sister, my cousins and then eventually my friends.

After about 2 weeks, I booked my first appointment with my GP. She gave me my initial examination and was convinced that it could not be anything but a benign tumour, but she still wanted to refer me to my local hospital (Newham General) brap brap.. LOOL.. The wait for my first couple of scans began…



TM x